My girlfriend figured out who you are.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
