Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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