She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
