How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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