just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
