Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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