I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
