I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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