"it" just moved
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
