Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
