so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
