I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize