I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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