John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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