White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
