Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
