i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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