checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
