So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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