I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
