as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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