Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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