the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize