Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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