I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
