You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
