It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
