did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
