He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
