thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
