i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
