The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
