Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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