Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize