I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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