Everything about him screamed your future.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
