her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
