i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
