And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
