I will die if light touches me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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