R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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