If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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