I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
