Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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