When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
