my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize