hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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