i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize