Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
