i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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