The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
