I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
