I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
