I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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