ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
