I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
