i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
